When we take on certain roles in life, it influences the way we think, affects the way we behave and interact. Titles and roles determine our approach to life, which in turn educates our expectations of how we should treat others.
If we are a father, son or daughter perhaps of sick older parents, a mentor, an employer, a good friend, we can feel that it is our responsibility to be responsible, supportive and self-sacrificing when it comes to their needs and requirements. Doing this may be fine for a while. We accept that our help and commitment are crucial to them while it lasts.
We can become the self-proclaimed supervisor, but it can lead us to do too much for others out of habit, guilt, and become a default automatic response. Think of those times when someone constantly says, “Leave me, I’ll do it, I’ll fix it.”
Doesn’t it get tempting to just sit back and let them move on? Over time, we may even lose the ability to think for ourselves in certain situations. We began to sit back and opt for an easy life, relieved that we didn’t have to think about that particular decision or issue. We can even come to expect the other person to take care of that matter; it’s their job, they always do.
But when we are the regular provider of support and our input is increasingly expected and taken for granted, we can begin to feel resentful and unhappy at the lack of recognition, recognition, respect, and appreciation for all that we are doing. We may feel that it is reasonable to receive at least a ‘thank you’, when we are so attentive and involved.
Sometimes, however, we need to pause and reflect on our approach. Eleanor Roosevelt said, “We teach people how to treat us.” When we allow another person’s behavior to continue unchecked, tolerate disrespectful or inconsiderate treatment, or always try to please others, we have to accept some responsibility. Perhaps at first we did not care or try to understand their bad behavior, but over time we have taught them that we will endure their dealings with us, which is acceptable.
Others may not realize the strain or effort we have put into helping them. Sometimes our responsibility might be to make people realize what our support really entails in practical terms. We have agreed to help, but it may mean we have to cancel, delay, or reschedule existing plans. Significant effort may have been required, although we are happy to accommodate you. We cannot expect others to be psychic and know what our agreement to do so much for them entails.
And in reality, when there is no reciprocity or appreciation for what we have done, we are unlikely to do the other person a favor. Respect, empathy, and good manners come from seeing things through the other person’s eyes and appreciating what has been done for them. If they have lost that ability, we may have to teach those colleagues, children, new relationships that there is no bottomless well of love / money / time / attention; we need them to learn to respect our limits.
It is important for people to be independent, develop their skills, sometimes make mistakes and even fail. We can be there, supportive and willing to help, but making mistakes sometimes leads to learning important lessons about independence, the best lessons of all. Improve education, acquire new talents, learn about resilience and how strong and resourceful we can be.
These things are seldom learned when we are constantly being “supervised” or managed, coached and instructed. Sometimes experiencing difficult things first-hand is the first practical experience of doing it independently, the difference between learning to drive with an instructor and hitting the road only after passing the driving test.
We may need to wonder how this situation has arisen, how we have come to feel aggrieved for doing so much. Perhaps we have ignored the comments of appreciation and gratitude, we did not want them to feel indebted to us. Perhaps we are embarrassed by your enthusiastic praise for our help. Smiling kindly and just saying “thank you” is just good manners and often enough to acknowledge their compliments.
When we do too much for others, especially family, we can end up not liking them very much, although of course we love them. We need to acknowledge our part in how these circumstances have arisen. Start by being more aware of your triggers. Are they ingrained in guilt, do they want to get involved, are they reluctant to delegate?
Pay attention to the prompts you are responding to. Then you can learn to gradually make them more beneficial and respectful to both of you, so that you feel happier with all that you do for them.