Getting into a relationship is often fun and exciting mixed with a lot of passion and the belief that ‘this is it’. We rarely look through the glasses of reality; that comes later, often followed by disappointment or disappointment. Think about what you want in a relationship and communicate it before it’s too late.
social conditioning
Couples ask me: ‘Aren’t there rules that are obvious?’ or ‘This must be common sense!’ The answer is no, there are no obvious rules and common sense when it comes to relationships. Everything you think are the rules you follow is because you assumed them, consciously or as part of your education. You have accepted your social conditioning, rebelled against it, or transcended it and created your own; still, it’s your own mix and there is no general agreement that applies to all.
What is a couple agreement?
At some point in any relationship, you will face a disagreement or worse, a major crisis, which in most cases is about unspoken bottom lines that have been crossed or opposing ideas and beliefs. This is the time to start discussing and negotiating the partner agreement if you don’t just want to continue down the same path a few days, weeks, or months down the line.
How to start a marriage agreement
Discuss all the important areas that affect your relationship: sexuality, intimacy, time spent together and apart, important traditions you want to keep, ideas about having or raising children, religion, social life, recreation and entertainment, alcohol, drugs, and smoking. habits, your important rules, values and beliefs (in all the areas mentioned and beyond), career and work, friends and family, environment, finances, vacation planning, personal development, living arrangements, etc. This will be a work in progress discussing anything that is important to you.
bottom lines
Some of your rules are what we call “bottom lines”, which means that under no circumstances can you agree to cross them. For some people their end result may be ‘having an affair’ or ‘raising children in a different religion than their own’. Don’t leave him alone in “having an affair,” assuming you both have the same understanding of what it’s supposed to mean. Make it very clear and precise, for example: Where do you draw the line regarding ‘having an affair’? Going out with someone else on a date, kissing someone passionately on the lips, sleeping with someone else, or what other specific things are triggering your bottom line?
committed
You won’t have the same end results, but as a couple you should jointly agree on where you want to meet in your relationship. Make sure you are comfortable with what you agree to.
Renegotiation and upcoming challenges
Renegotiation should be a regular activity for the couple, hopefully before they face the next challenges that are sure to arise. Be prepared for the fact that they might change your mind about parts of your agreement, and if they do, you need to let your partner know.
Having a partner agreement will not save you from more disagreements and crisis points. They are just a sign that you need to talk about things that might not have been clear and specific enough for both parties.
Happy relationship!