I often work as a professional trainer for executives, doctors, lawyers and others. One of the problems that frequently arises in coaching is how best to deal with angry bosses, co-workers or clients who appear suddenly or repeatedly. The ability to deal with such people is not a small matter: depending on our ability, meeting an angry person can be a small bump in the road or it can bother us for the rest of the day. If we lose our balance, not only is it much less enjoyable to be in our own skin, but our effectiveness in completing tasks and communicating with others can be substantially diminished. The good news is that there are some easy to remember steps that anyone can use with a little practice and powerful results.

When starting to deal with an angry person, the first step is always to listen. This is done with eye contact, but very few words, until the initial wave of angry energy is first stopped. During that interval, listen to the factual content of what that person thinks is troubling you, while letting the emotional content pass without “hooking” them. Don’t put too much effort into sharing information at this time. The person who is very angry is not in a state where they can absorb much of what you have to say, even if they would benefit from hearing it. They can often misinterpret your quick verbal response or problem solving as a way to get rid of them and their needs.

A great metaphor to keep in mind as you listen during this first

The step is that of a large ocean wave crashing into you as you stand in the surf, or perhaps a volcano erupting with hot rocks and ash. There’s no point in trying to yell over the noise until the initial burst is complete, or getting upset that this event is

everything about you, even if the angry person wanted you to believe that at the time.

When the pause in your verbal torrent finally comes, briefly reflect on the factual content to let the other person know that you have accurately heard the core of their complaint. This may sound something like, “So if I heard you correctly, you’re saying…” or “What I heard you say is this…”, but you should always use your own judgment to choose language that sounds natural in each situation. Even better, the mirror statement can be preceded by first asking for permission to commit

you heard, and/or a final question that asks if your understanding is accurate. This might sound something like: “Can I make sure I heard you correctly?” Are you sure

that the answer to this question will always be “yes”. This person wants to be heard! He understands that you are teaching the angry person two concepts at this point: that you have heard the gist of his statement, and that you have not become angry yourself. You have remained sane in the presence of his unbalanced state and you are not becoming his enemy.

There is magic built into what you have just accomplished in just a minute and a few simple words. You have managed to share with someone who feels attacked and vulnerable (and who is barely able to listen to anyone) that

it’s just that you’re not angry in response to their anger, but have actually understood precisely why they’re upset.

Also, if you requested and received permission to make a reflective statement to show that you heard them correctly,

You have already made and maintained a successful contract with them, which gives you credibility in their mind. She now established a relationship that has value to the person who is angry. It is very likely that they have aired their complaints with people

to you that you didn’t listen well or got angry in return, and that you did your best to pass on the responsibility of dealing with the angry person. With just this first step, you are changing the angry person’s mental image of you from being the enemy like everyone else.

the rest to become an ally in the satisfaction of their needs. There’s still work to be done, but in one move you’ve done most of turning off the interaction.