Many of us will have had moments where we have shared too much personal stuff, been too enthusiastic about expressing our thoughts, feelings and experiences, only to regret it on reflection later.
At that time we may have felt pressured, harassed, given no choice due to the level of questioning, a bit drunk, or just wanted to talk and let it out. It can start to become a problem when sharing too much becomes a habit and we don’t know how to stop.
Let’s look at some reasons why we share too much personal stuff;
– Doubting that we are good enough it may be one of the reasons we choose to overshare. We may want to be encouraged, to have someone understand our motivations, to seek advice that will allow us to feel positive, be more in control, and get back on track.
– Being understood is important It helps many of us feel recognized and accepted, that we have looked at our reasons for why we behave in a certain way. We can relax when we feel empathetic, confident that the other person is able to see things from our perspective and, as such, appreciates our feelings.
– explain ourselves it can be a key element of excessive exchange. The need to justify what and why we have done what we have done can indicate a lack of certainty or confidence in our actions. If we really believed in ourselves, were clear about our choices, would we really need to submit to such a level of exposure and scrutiny?
– Or maybe we feel that we owe it to others be open and transparent about our thought processes and actions. It may be that we feel pressured to explain ourselves, to explain the must/ought/ought that guided our thinking, thus justifying why they have a right to know. Or we may think that others are interested, they want to know ‘everything’ about us. While that may be the case, once things are revealed, they cannot be taken back and the information shared is available forever. Is that what you want?
– Oversharing may well be made with the best of intentions. We may want to support others, hear their story and be seen to encourage them, let them know they are understood, not alone. ‘I know how you feel, here is my example’ can be seen as including others in our lives, assuring them that they have an ally, a fellow traveler who is familiar with their journey.
– But how much do we need to reveal? to connect with others? How much time and effort does it take to convey our story clearly enough for someone else to fully “get” all the nuances and subtleties? And even then, after trying, perhaps in painstaking detail, there’s still no guarantee that they’ll really understand our logic in the same way that we do. We all have different barometers by which we measure life experiences, whether they are good or bad, positive or negative, devastating or life-enhancing.
– We may be alone and view oversharing as speeding our way into a new relationship, thus avoiding weeks of arduous getting to know each other. But that may be too complete for the other person. Do they really want and need to know so much so fast? A little mystery can leave things to discover along the way. Sharing too much can be indigestible, too much in the early days of a new relationship.
– Are we looking for sympathy? When we share how badly we have been treated, how much we have suffered, are we anticipating a lot of love and support coming our way? We may want to win over someone by oversharing so that they become a full member of our team.
Of course, it may be that others are not interested in our story and are quickly turned off if we start sharing too much or too often. Not all relationships need to be so ‘full’. Some are fine with a lighter touch. We may think our story is interesting, compelling, but that’s not always how others see it. They may listen and feign interest out of good manners or a desire to be supportive, but eventually that interest wears off and they begin to avoid us or never ask, ‘how are you?’ for fear of opening the floodgates!
It is also important that others are shown that they matter too, that they are valued and cared for. Feeling equally important means they are more likely to engage and respond; there has to be some two way traffic.
Most of us want to be liked, accepted and understood, although many appreciate that we are unlikely to get 100% in every popularity contest. A general rule of thumb is that 1/3 of people will like us, 1/3 will not like us, and the final 1/3 is fine either way, they will be polite, friendly, courteous, but not too invested in the relationship. When others ‘like’ us enough, it greases the wheels for an easier life. So relax, be kind to yourself, and make sure you’re one of the loved and accepted third parties.