Can’t afford a Lexus? Get a Honda. Don’t have time for delivery? Digiorno. There are many times when we have to make substitutions for things we might want. After all, this isn’t Plato’s world of ideal forms or Mr. Roger’s fantasy land, this is reality, a place where sometimes one has to settle for second (or third or fourth) best. My wife and I have talked many times about the pros and cons of parenting, but we haven’t committed yet: not enough space, too much debt, not enough income, not enough job stability. Also, there is too much poo, little freedom, too much stress, etc. etc. etc. What do we agree on? Well, stallions, of course. It was a relatively easy decision to make, and it’s easy to make some witty comparisons between babies and ferrets. So I was wondering: Are ferrets a legitimate substitute for babies?
Obviously, the human species has a great physical and psychological need to reproduce, and doing so is satisfying for several different reasons. Obviously, a ferret doesn’t elicit exactly the same kind of emotional reaction in a mother as when she looks at her biological child. You also can’t teach your ferret to play the french horn and have the opportunity to shine with abundant pride while attending her first concert. No, there are many things that a ferret cannot do for you. Still, there are some things that ferrets can help with if you just don’t have the money, time, or desire to dive into parenthood. Here’s a list of the ways that ferrets provide reasonable substitutes for human babies.
1. Babies with poop:: Tacos with poop
If you love cleaning up poop but hate dealing with all the diapers, flapping legs, and ear-splitting screams of the average baby, a ferret might be just the thing for you. Ferrets poop as much or more than human babies, but you don’t need to change their diapers, you don’t need to smell their accidents, and you never need to potty train them when they get older.
2. Babies sleep:: Ferrets sleep
Babies are cute when they’re sleeping, however that’s only relative to the hellspawn they resembled when awake. Ferrets are also pure cuteness while they sleep. They make little nests in your clothes, curl up, stick out their tongues, and stretch out in a capital U shape. Also, they actually get cute when they first wake up. Instead of yelling and sniffing, you’re met with yawns and some deliciously gorgeous stretching. To top it off, ferrets sleep between 16 and 20 hours a day, which means they are cute for up to 83% of the day. WOW!
3. Babies need protection: Ferrets need protection
Much of the satisfaction of parenthood derives from the pride one feels in successfully preventing a less intelligent organism from killing itself. Human babies, being essentially useless tubes of meat for the first few years of life, provide the greatest opportunity in this regard. Sure babies can commit suicide by sleeping improperly, but ferrets do some pretty suicidal things, too. For example, a ferret will eagerly jump out of your arms to its death if you don’t hold it back. A ferret will also ingest any number of indigestible, poisonous and/or dangerous objects if given the chance, allowing their keepers to feel indispensable.
4. Babies Impress Guests: Ferrets impress guests
If you’re like most parents, you probably feel the urge to rub your baby in everyone’s face after a minor accomplishment, like blowing milk bubbles or pronouncing the letter “H.” Ferrets are also terrific at letting you pretend you deserve gloating rights. Party tricks are great and most ferrets can learn to roll over and/or play dead, which makes your guests tickle in disbelief. Ferrets constantly beg for treats by jumping on your leg and trying to climb into your arms and lap. Fortunately, this completely selfish behavior is interpreted as a strong emotional bond between the pet and the owner. “Look,” you can say, “he’ll even lick this ice cream off my nose!” Follow that up with a healthy spell of laughter and you’ve made your case.
In closing, pet ferrets and biological children are strikingly similar. In the long run, you can’t beat a human baby with a stick. But if you compare the first five years of parenting in a near-manic state of perpetual sleep deprivation and fighting with your spouse to five years as a carefree ferret owner, you wonder: could it be? Are ferrets better than babies?